Minor correction

So my last posting about crying kinda made me sound like a wuss. When I said I cry at children's books I mean a few in particular like "I will always love you" when it talks about the mom creeping into the kids room every night and rocking them and then when she gets too old he goes and rocks her... makes me cry everytime. There usually is some sentiment behind it. Nothing cheesy but like (for those who are avid greys watchers) when Christina gets left by burke and it doesnt hit her until she is alone in the apartment... man the tears that rolled down my face could have sailed a boat. Or when denny dies and izzy is laying on the floor crying those kind of heart wrenching break up scenes.... those are just a few examples... Just so you guys dont think you are friends with a crybaby. Well I am but a picky crybaby.

I still cry

It used to be that i cried at sappy endings to some movies. Then when i got pregnant I cried because i was hormonal. Fast foward 6 years and I cry at everything! I cry at hallmark commercials, I cry at regular commercials.I cry when i read childrens books. I cry when i think about the end of the world and not being able to protect my children:using this same scenario, i cry when i think about my house catching on fire and my kids being stuck in side. I cry when i think of them being stolen. I cry when i think of Boston riding the school bus all by himself. I cry when they are babies and getting shots at the doctors. I cry when I watch my favorite shows and they have sappy happy stories, I cry when they have break up stories(only the good ones) I cry when they have children involved in a crisis because i think, what if that were my kid??? I cry when i watch the news and hear another child is missing, killed or abused. I cry an awful lot and i just can not seem to stop the tears. I pray that the world will end many generations into the future so i dont have to deal with childrens deaths or the deaths of my immediate grand children. I cry when i think of what i would do if some one broke into my home. I worry that i will not grab the gun fast enough, that i will forget to call taylor/911 to let them know, that i will be unable to carry all my children to safety. I look at my youngest baby and am in awe at the fact that i made those eyelashes. That he will grow up and get married and have kids of his own and be too big for me to snuggle to sleep. I cry when I look at my middle child who is dancing and pretending to be a power ranger and wish i could constantly have a video running to catch all these moments. I cry for my oldest that i get on him the most but he is unfailingly a wonderful helper... always willing to be the sharer and the entertainer for the others. I cry for my husband when i think of the job that he has to do. That one day someone may walk up to his cop car and shoot him for no reason and there is nothing that any one can do about that. I worried that my brother would not come back from IRAQ, now i worry that he will get stuck making stupid choices. I cry for my grandparents, that they are old and i am not there to help them..that they have to suffer indignities bc they are sick and how i wish they would live forever. I cry for my dad who has always been alone even when he is surrounded by friends, i worry that he will grow old alone bc of his mistakes. I cry for my mom when i put myself in her shoes. I admire her being able to deal with a mother who is dying esp when i know that when i am her shoes i would be lost. I cry for my cousin who is too stupid to realize that she is putting her kids in danger with her actions and too stubborn to accept help.
I cry a lot more now than I did 6 years ago. Every day I am overwhelemed by the responsiblities i have to my children. That i have to keep them safe and that someday i may not be able to. My husband laughs and asks when did i become so fatalistic???I have no answer to that except i have grown up and realized my mortality. If i die tomorrow how will my baby survive? Maybe my older ones could adjust, but the one who depends on me most for his food, he wouldnt even understand why i wasnt there....why i didnt come back.
I pray. Thats how i get through my days. (sounds overdramatic) I pray a heck a lot more than I did 6 years ago. I still cry but when I pray I lose some of the hoplessness. I strive for a balance. For protecting my kids with out making them prisoners.......I keep my fingers crossed and hope that I am doing it right.